It Is Ok Not To Be Ok

We all have our ups and downs in life. That is normal, who doesn't? But sometimes in our life there is a time when we get stuck, and feel down and cannot bounce up again. We feel down due to many causes. Sometimes the reasons are clear why we may feel this way. Either because we had just lost a loved one, or just had a baby, or because we just moved away from home…etc. But sometimes we feel depressed and we don’t know why or that what we are experiencing is actually a depression. 

This happened to me recently. I have had my share of ups and downs in life, and with God’s help I had sailed through them. Six months ago, I moved again and settled somewhere I had lived before and considered home for a long time, so it wasn’t new. The kids had settled well and started school, work, and I was left home alone. I suddenly felt a huge void. That feeling of emptiness was overwhelming. I started feeling down, exhausted and tired all the time. I felt that I didn’t want to do anything anymore because everything felt like a huge effort. I didn’t want to cook nor take care of anyone. I was heavy hearted and wanted to be left alone and spend all day in bed. I didn’t want to talk to anyone nor meet anyone, so I secluded myself. I just wanted to stay home, all the time. Everyday felt like the day before and the day after. I gradually lost the zest in life, felt numb and lost my appetite, not just for food but for everything. I lost weight and became lethargic and weak. This happened over 3 months. I didn’t realize then what I was going through was a depression. I wasn’t ready to talk to anyone until I figured out what was happening to me, what was wrong and why I felt that way.

 

I finally opened up and spoke to a friend, who was close but lived far away. I felt safe opening up to her and she helped me realize that what I was experiencing was a depression because she had gone through it herself after moving countries. I realized then that I had multiple reasons to feel that way. It could’ve been due to the move, although I had been moving around countries, literally all my life. But I honestly felt a sense of stability in our last move because I thought it would be the last one, and suddenly that feeling was taken away from me. I had some gastrointestinal issues which my friend pointed could also manifest into a depression. I was also going through an existential crisis because as my kids were older and independent I suddenly felt like an empty nester. Everyone in my family was going on with their lives while I reflected on mine and felt a huge void. I felt unfulfilled, like I hadn’t accomplished anything nor made a difference. I was also probably going through Perimenopause since I’m at that age. Nobody ever mentions that depression is also a side effect to the many changes happening to you. In addition I later discovered after doing some blood tests, that I had a severe Vitamin D deficiency. All of the above reasons can lead to a depression and I had all of them and hence a severe one.

My family noticed I wasn’t my active bubbly self and so did my close friends. I wasn't ready to open up and I shunned everyone around me. It took me a while to figure out what I was going through. Admitting to myself that I wasn’t alright and reaching out and talking to my friend helped me understand that. When I finally figured out what it was and why I was feeling that way, I started feeling a bit better. I also started doing something about it. I needed to get myself out of that downward spiral. After doing some self reflection, I realized I had some unaccomplished dreams that I wanted to pursue, and that gave me hope and purpose. 

I always wanted to be an artist and to study Art, and I believe it is never too late to pursue your dreams. I had just met an artist friend who always inspired me with her work, and she told me about an interesting workshop she was joining. So, I signed myself up to this Artists’ Workshop to unblock my creativity which motivated me to pursue my dream and turn it into action. Among the tools is keeping a morning journal and going on an Artist date by myself, for an hour each week, to do something fun. I got some art supplies and made myself a working corner at home. I put a plan on motion and am working towards achieving my goal, one art piece at a time. I started painting and joining different art workshops to improve my techniques and I regularly visit different art exhibitions for inspiration. I gradually started resuming my family duties, going out, meeting my friends, socializing and I recovered my zest for life and am back to my normal self. I reached out to my family and my closest friends and told them what I was going through and I felt that I had to share this here too. 

Many of us are ashamed to admit that we are struggling or admit to ourselves that we are weak or vulnerable let alone telling others. But it is ok not to feel ok. We sometimes can’t face things alone and need someone to support us. We should always let someone know that we are not feeling ok. We should reach out for help, as depression could be a dark, long and lonely journey. There is nothing wrong in asking for help and explaining to your loved ones what you are going through. Mental illness is like any physical illness that needs to be addressed and dealt with. There is no shame in acknowledging that and seeking help. You are not alone.

A Grieving Mother's Note

Ten long years have passed since February 27th, 2006, the tragic day we lost our child, a day that marked our lives forever.

Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I lost my beloved little son Ali, the day a part of me died forever. Not a day has gone by when I don't think of him. I wake up everyday ,since that day, knowing I will never be able to see my son again, at least not in this life. I know I will never be able to hold him, hug him, kiss him or watch him grow and that yearning tears me apart. Yet, I carry him in my heart everywhere I go. I feel him in every corner of our home. I picture him beside his brothers and sister. I imagine him walking along every child who should be now his age.

Despite all the years that have passed the pain is just as raw. It only takes a memory of the loss to trigger it and bring it back to the surface again. It is like a wound that has been covered with tissue, but any small scratch can make it bleed again. They say time heals everything, I somehow agree, but this kind of pain doesn't heal nor does it get better with time. Ten years later, it is still intense, there to stay and will never go away. I just learned through my faith in God to accept it and endure it as the years go by.

A wise man said "grief is not a disorder, a disease or a sign of weakness. It is an emotional, physical and spiritual necessity, the price you pay for love. The only cure for grief is to grieve." The experience of grief when losing a child is lifelong. During the funeral I was numb with pain, then I fell into a depression and went through all its stages. The only thing that kept me going was my faith and my two dear children. I had to pull myself together and function for them. I was on autopilot going through the motions of daily life, but inside I was still falling apart.

Over the years I mastered how to control my pain. It is only like today that I allow myself to grieve like every mother would and should. I allow myself to unleash the pain and let go of all my emotions, to cry and let the tears wash some of the pain away. The vivid memory of every detail in  that day keeps replaying in my head and all the emotions it stirs come up to the surface once again. The heaviness in my heart no longer is contained, it is an overwhelming physical pain that flows all over my body. This day I prefer to spend it alone, so I can let my guard down. There is no one to upset and I can just feel.

Whenever I talk about Ali or someone mentions him, my eyes instantly fill with tears but my heart is warmed with joy that he is never forgotten. Hence, his sweet memory brings a tear in my eye but a smile in my heart. I never dreamt of Ali, except once a few months after the funeral. I dreamt that he was offering me a cup of water. In Islam dreaming of water is a sign of happiness, peace and prosperity. I have never dreamt of him since, throughout these years. I guess he is very present in my conscious that he doesn't appear in my subconscious.

I decided to make the dream of Ali and his memory be my inspiration to do as much good in this world and to spread happiness and peace. I pray that one day I will be reunited with my little angel up in heaven. Until that day comes he his living in my heart, in my mind, and in every breath that I take.

I want to thank on this day my family and friends who stood by me in this painful time, along my journey, but most of all I want to thank my dear husband, who was experiencing the same pain yet managed to be my rock and support me through it all. God bless you all.