This post is neither political nor poetic, it is rather a personal and emotional one. It has no links, actually, only one to my heart. I was initially hesitant to write it, because it is very painful and personal, but I finally decided to go ahead. I didn't write it to gain sympathy, nor preach, but to share with you a difficult time in my journey of life, hoping that someone might learn some of the lessons I did or find some comfort in it.
September 14th is a date to remember. Seven years ago, I was blessed and was given a gift from God, a beautiful son. Every mother who is blessed with the joy of giving birth feels her son/daughter is special. But my son is indeed special, he is an angel in heaven. He filled our lives with joy and happiness in the short time he was with us. A year and five months later, our gift was taken back by it's Creator.
I can not recount the painful and tragic events of that day nor explain how it happened, albeit six years ago, it feels like yesterday and I still feel the same intense pain.
My life suddenly and tragically turned upside down, everything in it seemed so trivial. In general loosing a loved one is a painful experience in itself yet the pain of loosing a child is the most unbearable pain any human can ever endure. It is an excruciating pain, an ever lasting agony that no parent can ever imagine nor forget. It is an intense sorrow that tears you apart, an ache that rips your heart and stays there for life. I therefore know firsthand the pain of the martyrs' parents, because I have been there and now exactly what they feel. The circumstances might be different but the intensity of the pain is just the same.
I miss my son every single day, but especially today, I miss him tremendously. A mother can never recover from the anguish of such a loss and mourns it forever. The pain is compounded on a day like this, his birthday, it becomes exceedingly overwhelming. Thus, I'm writing this post, as a tribute to my dear son, to thank him, and mostly God, for being in my life. Although he was with us for a very short time, yet his impact on our lives was ever lasting.
My little angel's loss changed my life, my family's and some of our close friends'. It made me reconsider my priorities in life and think more of the after life. It was a wake up call on so many levels. I am a Muslim and my faith is what held me and my husband together after loosing our child. It is only through faith that a person is given the strength, the patience, and above all the ability to accept and persevere such an enormous calamity. Just as having him was a blessing, loosing him was also a blessing, indeed one in disguise. It brought us closer to God and made us appreciative of every moment in this life and every blessing he has given us.
In Islam, a parent who loses his/her child and patiently perseveres and abides by God's commands would be reunited with his/her child, as he/she awaits them on the gates of heaven to hold their hand and escort them through it. What a beautiful promise, and what more can a mother ever wish for her child, then for him/her to be granted a place in heaven. Both my husband and I look forward to that day, when we reunite with our little angel.
My journey with grief and depression was a long one, I went through all it's stages. I longed for something that would pull me together and ease my pain, I tried counseling (but never accepted to go on any medication), Reiki (but didn't continue because I was reluctant to open my chakras), oil painting (which is one of my hobbies), I wasn't able to write to express my roller coaster of emotions (although it is known to be therapeutical), so of course I resorted to the only thing that provided me some relief, endless crying.
Certainly my family and friends were there for me. They stood by me through it all, trying in every way to provide comfort and to them I am forever grateful, but what I needed most of all was God. Yet, He was there all along, all I had to do was seek Him. Don't get me wrong, I was a practicing Muslim, but I have to admit I was not a fully committed one.
I never asked myself the cliche "why me" but was struggling to deal with the enormous and sorrowful loss. As my journey with pain intensified, so did my search for closeness to God and with it came the comfort I had been seeking. I found inner peace, serenity and with it came acceptance.
My husband and I travelled to Mecca and Madina immediately after the funeral and we performed the smaller pilgrimage "Umrah", which we had performed twice before when we lived in Saudi Arabia. As I realized that nothing in this life is for granted, several months later, I went on a journey that I had been putting off till a later stage in life, I performed my pilgrimage "Hajj", the journey of a lifetime.
The point I am trying to make here is that one must have a strong faith inorder to go through such an ordeal because the pain is overbearing and if one doesn't have it then he must seek it, because without it the calamity can certainly be unbearable and perhaps destructive. I hope no one ever goes through this experience and I pray for the parents who lost their children, may they be blessed with the patience and serenity to accept their loss and the strength to persevere despite the enormous pain.
I am forever grateful to God for all his blessings, but mostly for blessing me with enough faith to enable me to withstand such a trauma. God blessed me with the joy of motherhood not once but four times, thus on a happy note, I was blessed once again with a child two years later, whom I named with one of God's names, meaning gratitude. He certainly was a very appreciated gift and a happy last addition to our family. Thus when asked, I always reply "I have four children". May God bless and keep them always and may he also bless all your children and keep them from harm.
Last but not least I say everything happens for a reason and there is always a lesson. We must never forget to appreciate all our blessings and should be thankful for the hardships, because we will certainly be faced with many.There will be all sorts of tests along our journey, which we should learn from and that would help us become a better person. Hence we must make our short time in this life worthwhile by trying to make a difference, even if small.